My State

My state right now is like ... --afraid.

I am afraid thinking about burdens of my life, so what I do is to stop thinking about everything.

I am afraid doing unfinished things, so what I do is not to start anything.

Yes, it's like taking antibiotics. You hope to heal someday, but in the process you will make other part of you sick. But hopefully all will be cure in the same time and I have a chance to live again.

Have You Ever Experienced A Girl Crush?!

Have you ever?

Have I ever? 

According to Oxford Languages, girl crush is an intense and typically non-sexual liking or admiration felt by one woman or girl for another.

I don't know whether it strikes every girl/woman or just some lucky girls. Why lucky? I think it's because when we experience a girl crush, it means we are so grateful to be born as a female. No regret of being a member of this marvelous creature pack.

Let me see on how many times I've got girl crushes. Hmm. I think it's so many. But the very strong ones were about three times. I don't have to tell you the whole stories but what I can tell you now that it's not because of merely a physical beauty. Yes, beauty is a strong attraction; but sometimes I got a crush only by the voice, the gentleness, the way a person smiles, the togetherness, etc. And since I agree with Oxford's definition, I don't think it's for any sexual purpose. When I get one, I just want to be around or hanging together. A bit clingy is just fine. How about cuddling? Well, it could be risky. But that's fine --only if your crush is also not into girls sexually. 

But I also found that when either you or your crush got a big problem that she could not handle alone, or something burdened or hurt her a lot; your relationship could be misled to something else as at that moment we needed someone badly to rely on.

I write this because lately I have been reading online comics. I accidentally found and read ones of the genre of girl's love that is quite different from girl crush as it involves sexual things. So surprised that the genre has so many readers. 

Well, in our way of life as muslims, girl's love is not allowed. So it's kinda confusing as the readers are mainly very young.

I actually don't know where is this writing up to; I just want to say: yes, I have ever experienced girl crush and now I want to ask you what's your opinion about it. Do you think the same like I do? And what about girl's love? How is it using your belief to react such relationship like that? 

Tell Your Wife!

Hey..

I come back so soon 😅

It's how it's gonna be. When I want to say something, I will reach you. I can't do that in FB etc this way as people will label me as needy or things like that. My contact will be so fed up with me. What a nuisance.

I just want to say:

"Husbands, tell the things that you really want to your wives!! Stop holding back!!"

Man, the things I mean are those you want your wife do or try.

When you want a beautiful and stylish wife, say it.

When you want to eat delicious homemade food, say it.

Or when you want some other ways on your bed, say it.

I believe your wife can not do telepathy.

So use your words to make she KNOWS. Well, things need to fight for. And we women don't wanna fight for nothing. Say it so we know that we fight for something you need. Something that makes you happier.

And don't forget we need our husbands' support too. Don't let us fight alone.

My husband wanted me to look pretty.

My husband loved it when I cooked.

My husband asked me to bed more oftenly on the last days before he collapsed of his illness.

I knew things my husband needed TOO LATE.

Don't let it happen to you.

Moving Back

Hi, it's me.

Long time no see, eh?

Been so lonely nowadays, wish to show my feeling and talk about it but in the same time I don't feel comfortable when everyone being too attentive for me. I just need someone special, it's might be no one right now. 

For these whole time I use FB, IG or WA feed or story. But I can't utterly touch the very core of my feeling as it's too sensitive. Like I wanna have a drama. I don't need drama. I don't need regular friends to talk about things that bother me the most.

Why didn't I use diary --the book??

Well, I think it's gonna make me even lonelier as much I keep shut.

Why here?

Because on FB etc I wait for comments. While here it might be no comments till forever. As might be someone will see this and she would be a right friend to share. As if I talk to the universe. I want to be free by writing down in here.

I think God is so loving me. He has been giving all I want in my whispers. Approving all my scenarios. It's just I'm the one who oftenly spells so many careless whispers. When I was a cheerful and bright teenager, I found a darkside called loneliness. I was eager to have taste of it. Imagining the beauty of being lonely. Since then I have face ups and downs with it. I messed with loneliness the I have to deal with it.

Welcome to my solitude standing on 2021.

I'll write later.

You can call me Sitta. It's my real name.

Lone Bday Girl

Beberapa hari lalu aku matiin penanda ultah di fesbuk.. Maksudnya bukan apa2, cuma ingin melepas kesempatan dimanja2 oleh keluarga dan teman saja.. Krn sbg orang dewasa sptnya saya sudah terlalu manja, jd mgkn sekali2 ultah dalam kesendirian saja.. Walau begitu masih ada jg yg ingat walau tanpa pemberitahuan di sosmed.. Intinya alhamdulillah aku masih diberi kesempatan utk bersyukur.. Happy bday, Sitta..

Such Place

There's such place When I feel So close So happy So tranquill So heard So longing for a haqqul yaqin

Our Family was ....

Mgkn masa favorit sy adalah masa awal2 remaja. SMP n awal SMA. Di saat2 itu I was sooo positive. Walau ga megang byk duit tp rasanya ga smpe mrasa tll kekurangan. All things were fun, n people were kind. Sy orang yg mudah bahagia. Pgn kembali ke masa itu, when my parents were much younger, when my siblings were all at home. Our family were not rich, were not without fuss n yell, but that's the way it was. It hurts to see our parents become old. It hurts to know we are now so far away. It hurts..

Another Dream

Never realizing that I'm an obsessive person. I had been devastated badly. I don't want to feel that again. I want to have another dream Not obsessed one..

When Two Strangers Meet

Suatu hari nanti bila kita bertemu, aku mestinya meraih tanganmu dan meletakkannya di pipi.
Namun, bila memang bertemu nanti, aku akan tersenyum bila kau tersenyum. Kan kuulurkan tangan dan menyebut nama.
Karena kita telah saling menjadi..
Orang asing..

Dan saya melepasnya..

Tengah baca buku LDL, jd inget someone niy. Di buku itu ada kisah sukses naik pelaminannya pasangan yg ketemu lewat internet. Ada beberapa kisah malah; dan itu bikin my mind goes to some years ago.
His name was Mohammed Noman. Nomi. Dari wilayah historis di India, Rajastan.
Ceritanya sy ni orang yg suka nyoba2 ga jelas; salah satunya sy pernah daftar di salah satu site muslim matrimonial gitu ekekeke... Nah, dari sana lah sy bertemu sm that guy.
Penjajakan n pertukaran pendapat kami lakukan melalui email2 panjang n chatting. Kalo telp sih cuma sekali, kasian kan mahal. Sy suka bila bertukar pendapat dengannya, lagi pula 'kayanya' dia brasal dari keluarga baik2, 'katanya' dia lagi kuliah doktoral sambil kerja, 'katanya' dia sholat lima waktu, 'katanya' tidak minum atau pun merokok...
Ah.. Kayanya dan katanya..
Walau sy tidak meragu, I'm a naive person actually, namun sy pikir akan sangat membantu jika ada mediator yg bisa melihat langsung kehidupannya disana. Ada sih suaminya temen kakak di India, tp lokasinya jauh banget dari tempat Nomi. Duh, ga mau ah bikin repot orang. Tp di lain pihak, sy belum mapan utk mengutus kakak atau siapa lah utk 'menyelidiki' orang yg makin lama makin sy sayangi itu.
Setelah beberapa bulan berbagi hari2 di dunia maya, dia bilang akan datang ke Indonesia untuk menemui sy. Kali pertama untuk meminta izin meminang pada orangtua sy, kali kedua adalah dengan keluarganya -untuk menikah.
Very beautiful plan eh? Tp bagaimana jika tyt apa yg sy atau dia bayangkan atas masing2 'calon' berbeda dari bayangan? Sering sy tanyakan hal itu pada Nomi, namun dia hanya menjawab: Percayakan pada Allah! Niat kita baik, Allah akan membantu!
Sy percaya, atau setidaknya berusaha percaya.
Namun kenapa keluarga sy tidak?
Kenapa teman2 sy tidak?
Mengapa mereka bilang sy membeli kucing dalam karung?
Nomi, sy ingin percaya. Namun sy tidak bisa mengabaikan pendapat orang2 terdekat sy.
"Ya Allah, jika bukan jodohku, maka jauhkanlah.."
Sy orangnya suka 'ga enakan' sm orang; sungkan2 gitu. Bila Nomi terlanjur datang, sy bisa hampir dipastikan tidak bisa menolak pinangannya. Keluarga juga walaupun tidak terlalu mendukung, sy rasa akan mnyerahkan semua keputusan pada sy. Bagaimana bisa sy menghandle semua itu? Bila Nomi sudah jauh2 datang utk sy?
Waktu yg direncanakan Nomi utk datang makin dekat. Namun tentangan keluarga dan kerabat (walau ada yg mendukung juga siy) mgkn pertanda jawaban doa sy. Sy ambil langkah nekat. Sy bilang ke Nomi: "I'm not ready for this. Jgn datang. Setidaknya jgn dalam waktu dekat."
Kabar itu mengejutkan Nomi. Katanya dia lgsg izin dari kantor, keluar ke taman untuk menenangkan diri. Antara bingung, sedih dan mgkn marah, dia bertanya:
"Yes or no?"
"Give me time". Karena sesungguhnya sy jg bingung dengan keputusan sy.
"I can't. Kamu bilang kamu ingin menikah"
"Iya. Tapi aku takut"
"Allah akan menjaga kita, Jaan"
"..."
"Yes or no?"
"No"
Sy merasa lemah. Iya, sy melepasnya..

Kopi Hujan Malam

Kopi hujan malam
Dari seduhan rintik dingin
Dan sebongkah gula mimpi
Larutkan lamunan jauh

Kopi hujan malam
Habis dalam sekian seruputan
Berisi kamu kamu kamu
Yang lalu menempel di jantung

Mahasiswa/i UNSRI berebut kursi bus: belajar KKN

Saya kecewa banget sama mahasiswa UNSRI; entah dibawa kemana ilmu pendidikan pergurun tinggi mereka kalo sedang berebutan bis mahasiswa ke kampus --apalagi pas jam ramai, yaitu pagi2 antara jam 7 s/d 9. Saya bisa melihat calon2 praktisi KKN (kolusi, kolusi dan nepotisme) kalo sedang berhadapan dengan kondisi seperti itu. Ga semua sih, tapi karena cukup signifikan maka saya merasa cukup kuatir dengan indikator2 yang saya lihat pada mereka.

1. Rebutan-dorong2an-sikut2an. Bus mahasiswa UNSRI memang jaim, harus dikejar2, biar dapet tempat duduk; maklumlah perjalanan cukup jauh dan lama (+/- 30 km, 1 jam). Kadang yang sudah siap naik terpaksa mudur karena mahasiswa lain (kebetulan, bertubuh besar2 n kuat!). Kalo diteruskan bisa biru2 kena sikut! Si penyerobot2 itu mungkin 'ga kuat' susah berdiri selama perjalanan, lalu menghalalkan segala cara, termasuk menyakiti orang lain agar dapat tempat. Saya prediksi orang2 macam itu akan jadi orang yang akan melakukan apa saja untuk mencapi kepentingannya sendiri. Jadi tikus gendut yang hobi korupsi untuk menjaga kenyamanan hidupnya.
2. Nah ini fenomena pas kita sudah berhasil masuk bis. Yang duluan masuk langsung meng-kapling2 tempat duduk2 dengan map, tas, dsb. yang sedianya tempat itu buat temannya yang ga ikutan ngejar2 bus n nantinya lenggang kangkung santai naik bus dengan tempat duduk yang sudah tersedia. Kalo yang satu ini pelakunya lebih banyak n beragam. Yang poin pertama tadi di dominasi mahasiswa barbarian, tapi yang poin 2 ini malah banyak dipraktekkan para mahasiswi, yang berjilbab juga banyak. Ternyata nepotisme lebih mudah dipraktekkan ya? Emangnya temennya kenapa? Punya cacat fisik? atau sedang sakit sehingga susah adu cepat naik bis? Ga kok, sehat, mungkin takut dandanannya luntur aja. Gimana nantinya bisa bersaing secara fair?!
3. Dengan melihat banyaknya n frekuensi kejadiannya yang lumayan besar, maka bisa juga kita lihat contoh praktek kolusi. Kalo ada yang protes tentu akan kena muka masam oleh para praktisi lain; korban yang otak n hatinya masih normal tentu akan mengalah, daripada ribut.

Di pool bis kampus UNSRI bukit sudah ada jalur antrian. Ternyata memang harus main 'besi'. Ternyata ga bisa dengan cara menggugah kesadarannya.

Saya tahu ga semua mahasiswa/i UNSRI begitu; dan semoga yang ga begitu bisa bertahan di tengah2 teman2nya yang punya kebiasaan merusak itu!! Btw, td itu baru di dunia transportasi ya, belum lagi di dunia organisasi spt. BEM, dsb. Saya heran dan kecewa banget!!!!!!

ia

tanah yang murah hati dan tua

mengubah airmatanya menjadi bunga

ia melupakan pilu

(namun tetap mencintaimu)

bercerita pada kuntum yang biru

membauinya yang bertabur debu

dari bulan.. hingga

ia tertidur, terlupa..

bahkan ketika sinar matahari

menerobos memerahkan pipi

terbenam dalam helaian yang gugur

terkubur..

(Padahal ia ingin menjadi kekuatan untukmu, di saat kamu sedikit sedih atau kesepian, ia ingin selalu ada untuk menghibur. Dan keberadaan yang seperti itu, sudah cukup baginya.. Karena ia sangat menyayangimu.. Terlalu..)

Aceh Setahun Lalu

Voluntary Works –a year ago

# Dah di Medan. Mungkin besok g dah ke Aceh?! Lagi liat Metro tv tentang rumah ceria. Great concept for crying children in Aceh..
Enak bener jadi accidental tourist! Pagi ni g jalan sendirian, ternyata Hotel Sri Deli tempat g nginep deket banget dengan Masjid Raya Al-Mashud (30 m) dan Istana Maimun (130 m)! Dua-duanya spektakuler, sayang ga dirawat dengan baik. Di Maimun g dihampiri nenek kerabat istana yang lalu bercerita tentang umur dan sejarah Istana Maimun dan bagaimana Raja Deli jaman dulu dan kayanya bete dengan Raja Karo Sembiring. Nenek manis dengan busana muslim kurung melayu dan kudung rapi. Di masjid raya ada juga nenek-nenek pake kudung mukena dengan sebuah suitcase. Berjalan dengan disangga potongan papan sebagai tongkat, renta banget, langkahnya terlihat beraaat sekali. Satu-satu, tersendat-sendat. Airmukanya ramah (walau mungkin jiwanya terganggu?). Tuhan, di mesijd semegah itu ada insan lemah tanpa teman?! G bingung. Pengen nolong tapi gimana? Akhirnya g sapa: ‘Dah makan belum, Bu?’. Beliau jawab dengan lancar, ramah dan suaranya halus. Sudah, jawabnya. Akhrnya g kasih uang 20 ribu yang emang g bawa di kantong jaket, baru segitu kemampuan g.. Lemah ya?! Kata seorang abang yang lagi maen bola di halaman masjid (lho?!), nenek itu suka minta-minta tapi pada g, beliau ga minta apa-apa, malah memberi tatapan ramah old woman yang amat g suka..

# Dah 2 malam di Banda Aceh. Keadaan di sini jauh lebih memuaskan dari yang g bayangkan. Kita berenam dari Heifer sejak kemarin ikut distribusi bantuan ke pengungsi-pengungsi yang ditampung di rumah sanak saudara mereka. Kita sejak tiba di Banda Aceh tinggal di rumah yang difungsikan sebagai kantor LSM Konservasi 'PASE'. Temen kita disini banyak, rata-rata mapala dan juga senjapala (sendiri saja pencinta alam huehe..). PASE juga sambil bikin kelompok dampingan seperti keluarga dari Pulau Aceh (Paloh dll). Mereka berencana meneruskan program sampe tahap rehabilitasi (+/- 3 bln). Hari ni sore nanti g rencananya ke Lhok Nga. Pagi mungkin bantu-bantu di dapur sahaja.


# Hantarkan aku ke Baiturrahman
Biar takut dan sakit ini pergi
Biar berlabuh aku di halamannya
Tempat dulu indahnya Sholat Ied
Hantarkan aku ke Baiturrahman
Bungkus aku dengan doa
Ayah, ibu, kukirim cintaku..
Lewat percik air dalam gemuruh..

# Hari ni dari pagi di dapur sajah bersama Yovie, Rini dan Bunda, kerjain semua sampe beres, sampe bikin dinner kali aja ga sempet nanti, trus lewat tengah hari kita bermobil jalan mo ngasih minum ke tim evakuasi tapi ternyata dah pada selesai. Sempet ke posko MER-C di sebuah mesjid, nanya-nanya dikit ama orang-orang disana yang ngungsi mengenai keadaan mereka, di sana ada dapur umumnya, ada anak2 kecil pula –how cute. Jadi kita ubah tujuan ke Lhok Nga (lewat Teuku Umar, Cut Nya’ Dien dan Ajun), tapi sempet nyasar ke Lingke yang jalannya tergenang dan licin. Di jalan kita stop-stop di posko-posko maupun tempat pengungsian lain, nge-drop air dan biskuit. Malah pengendara kendaraan lain juga sering minta air. Dari Ajun lalu sampe di Lampaloh, deket-deket situ ada juga yang namanya Lamlong tapi mesti belok. Lalu kita terus aja sampe Lhok Nga yang ada area khusus tenda-tenda pengungsi yang cukup rapi (dari Yay. Leuser, Muslim U.K., dll). Dari sana pemandangan makin indah hingga kita sampe di pantai Lamdong.
Bagus banget. Pantai pasir putih, berpohon-pohon pinus, dilatari bukit-bukit yang berbaris rimbun, ada sungai yang indah menuju laut yang di atasnya ada jembatan batu sebagai jalan menuju Meulaboh dah putus kena tsunami. Pantai Lamdong itu tipe pantai untuk liat sunset. What a beauty. Mungkinkah nanti bisa kesana lagi? Pengennya..
Pulangnya kita ketemu tiga anak pengungsi yang sejak sebelum gempa dah yatim, adik bungsu mereka dah ilang kena tsunami begitu pula rumah mereka. G ajak bincang-bincang singkat aja sambill becanda-becanda, trus g foto. Duh, g merasa lemah banget untuk bantu mereka?! Untuk kasih bantuan dari posko g juga ga berani, padahal kan ga papa! Maaf ya.. G hanya 'turis bencana' yg hanya punya cinta -yang tak seberapa besar pula- untuk menolong mereka. Karena keasikan sama tiga anak itu, g sampe ketinggalan pick-up posko. Tinggal temen-temen yang duduk di bak belakang mobil yang sadar g masih belum naik teriak-teriak manggil g. Jadilah sore itu ada adegan seorang perempuan cantik (cuih!!!) mengejar-ngejar mobil lalu seorang pria mengulurkan tangannya, lalu sang gadis meraihnya (bwahahahaha!!! Bukan muhrim tuh Sitt!!) sehingga berhasil naik dan dengan lega diantara kardus-kardus bantuan. Lalu kita pulang, memandang sisa-sisa terang hari itu dari bak mobil, memandang langit dan reruntuhan dibawahnya. Sungguh sendu.

# Kemarin ke suatu daerah di sisi kota Banda Aceh, ga kena air pasang tsunami karena datarannya cukup tinggi. Padi-padi masih menguning disana dengan seolah tidak terjadi apa-apa, hanya saja gempa masih meninggalkan jejaknya disana. Kita ke rumah-rumah yang nampung pengungsi dari Pulau Aceh (Paloh, dsb.) yang pulaunya belah jadi tiga bagian, semula berpenduduk 7500 jiwa, kini tinggal 3200 jiwa, ada juga yang dari Meulaboh, dll. Pagi tadi ke daerah Syiah Kuala (yang kabarnya ada makam keramat disana), langsung ke Lampolo. Sorenya ke Lampase (tempat Cut Putri mensyut datangnya tsunami), rencananya mo ke Uleuleu tapi belum jadi. Dan hari ni dah liat dead bodies -may peace upon them.


# Malam ni ada ibu tua pengungsi dari Desa Suring, deket Uleuleu. Kampungnya di pesisir, ludes beserta sanak famili yang ada disana. Untung masih ada anak-anaknya di tempat lain walau belum bisa jaga beliau tapi at least beliau ga sebatang kara. Sekarang beliau ikut orang yang rumahnya deket posko kita. Mulanya, kita mamak itu, beliau dah kaya orang ngelantur. Baju lusuh ga karuan dan pikiran dah nerawang ga jelas. Untung ada anaknya nyari dan ketemu hingga semangat hidupnya timbul lagi. Kini beliau dah berani. Termasuk maen ke posko di PASE. Kalo malem beliau di musholla. Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah.. G tadi kasih masukan untuk memotivasi beliau, ah, it's always easier to talk only. Jangan pukuli dadamu, Bu. Pukul saja aku. Saat mereka jadi kejam dan kau terhempas. Jangan menangis lagi, ada aku. Yang duduk dekat, mengangguk dalam bias. Tersenyum lagi, Bu, cerita saja. Bahwa dulu ada istana dan huma-huma. Saat cucu-cucu membuatmu tertawa. Jangan menangis lagi, pukul aku saja..

# Sengaja ga bangun pagi biar ga disuruh masak, lagian bete liat piring kotor numplek. Ga lama nunggu, finally kita berangkat ke camp pengungsi Pulau Aceh di Kutabesar-Lamrabo-Beurango. Lumayan juga muter-muter. Di perjalanan g beli Harian Serambi Aceh yang hari itu hari pertamanya terbit kembali pasca bencana tsunami. Tempatnya agak di pinggir Banda Aceh dan ga kena tsunami. Di sana itu sebenarnya bangunan SD yang dipakai, ditambah tenda-tenda darurat. Ada hampir 600 orang dari Desa Lempuyang dan Lhoh. Pertama ketemu ibu tua ma cucunya yang comel kaya si Inar anak temen kantor g hehehe, mukanya juga mirip. Mereka kebanyakan ga bisa bahasa Indonesia, untung ada seorang bapak yang ngiringi PMI kirim bantuan kesitu yang bisa jadi translator. Ngbrol lama juga dan g lebih konsen emang dengan pengungsi. Lalu hujan dan g diajak ke tenda mereka. Ga ada translator lagi. Ngobrol lagi dengan bahasa acak kadul hehe, maklum, sama-sama ga bisa pake bahasa masing-masing. Mungkin kita saling nangkep dari kata-kata yang mirip dengan kata-kata yang kita kenal dan juga dari mimic muka serta bahasa tubuh lainnya. Lalu seperti biasa foto-foto (hiburan juga lho bagi mereka kalo difoto J ), ngasih benda-benda seadanya yang ada di tas g, becanda ma si Ninde 'Inar' itu dan kakak serta adek sepupunya. G sih lumayan bisa ngobrol dengan mereka (anak kecil dan remaja lebih tau dengan bahasa Indonesia) dan bisa bikin mereka ketawa. Trus g jumpa seorang bapak gitu yang dah cuma berdua dengan anaknya yang masih kanak-kanak aja. Lompat lagi ke sisi lain posko. Jumpa nenek-nenek yang agak sakit yang mugkin karena usianya dah tua. Bawaannya sedih, ceritalah beliau sama g sambil berurai airmata walaupun tau g 98% ga ngerti apa yg dibicarakannya. Namun adanya seseorang yang mau mendengarkan ungkapan hatinya saja sudah cukup baginya. Di sampingnya ada Fatimah yang cantik kaya Vira Yuniar yang keliatan tegas!. Aceh type. Kagum g, semua wanita yang ngobrol ma g pada minta telekung/mukena. Ada juga disana kakak beradik, Khadijah (Icha) dan Neneng yang cepet akrab sama g dan Yovie dan mereka pinter cerita. Mereka masih punya nilai-nilai yang cukup dalam seperti sholat, cara berpakaian dan sikap yang tak suka meminta. Distribusi bantuan di sana biasanya dimandatkan ke kepala gudang ke ketua desa masing-masing. Jadi tidak langsung ke individu. Yang tua dan yang lemah sering ga kebagian barang-barang bantuan. Apalagi database pengungsi belum mantap, dan mereka sering pindah-pindah dari posko satu ke yang lain baik karena diatur dari ‘atas’ maupun karena kehendak sendiri seperti karena mau mencari anggota keluarga yang terpisah. Untung ada dapur umum dan makan masih bisa kenyang walau ga bergizi. Pulau Aceh dulunya indah, g liat dari foto-foto yg sempet mereka bawa. Banyak yang hilang keluarga dan teman, apalagi harta. Alhamdulillah kayanya mereka ikhlas, lagi-lagi g kasih kata-kata mutiara untuk menghibur dan memotivasi mereka untuk tabah dan ikhlas. Again, talking is easy. Anak-anak aja dengan senyum indah hari itu dengan gembira pergi sholat Jum’at, dengan baju rapih dan layak pakai (semoga berkah-Nya untuk mereka yang menyumbangkan baju-baju itu). Serempak dengan kita juga ada rombongan dokter dari Malaysia dan buka ‘puskesmas dadakan’. Setiap anak yang mau berobat (karena anak-anak suka takut diperiksa dokter) dikasih balon yang dibentuk macem-macem. Ada juga yang bikin show bebas sendiri , seperti (rombongan dokter itu kayanya) bikin pertunjukan sulap, lucu ngeliatnya, para pengungsi mulai dari orang dewasa sampe anak-anak mengelilinginya, nonton dengan serius, bertepuk tangan, berdecak kagum (saat tali dipotong tapi ga putus hehehe..). Apa saja bisa kita kerjakan, tak mesti memberi materi, setidaknya bisa membuat hati mereka hangat –walau cuma sesaat. Kita dijemput sore, langsung berencana ke Uleuleu lewat Jl. Iskandar Muda dan Punge (?). Ancur. Area padat itu dah jadi tanah lapang berpuing. Lagi-lagi masjid masih berdiri sunyi di antara reruntuhan. Aceh, negeri seribu mesjid…, yg dijagaNYA. Pantai Uleuleu tetap indah. Dari sana gelombang tsunami bermeter-meter tingginya datang. Tetap indah walau ada aroma duka dan kehancuran di sekitarnya. Ada masjid besar tetap di sana. Pulau Aceh terlihat hijau menantang samudra dan yang lebih jauh tampak Pulau We yang aman di sisi lain. Banyak ombak bersuara indah namun masih banyak yang terluka mendengarnya. Malam ni evaluasi. Feeling dan intuisi g, anak-anak PASE masih punya niat yang tulus..

# Pengungsi Pulau Aceh. Mereka waktu itu ngungsi ke bukit, di huma-huma di kebun, makannya cuma kelapa rebus –kaya ayam saja makan kelapa, kata mereka. Anak-anak dikasih kelapa muda. Mereka di bukit selama tiga malam.

# Hendak kemana pergi berlindung?
Bila tsunami datang kembali..
Ketika bukit-bukit itu runtuh..
Dan jiwa raga memang bukan milik diri..

@ Sitta –mengenang satu tahun bencana tsunami Aceh – Desember 2005 @

Flora's Secret

Lovers in the long grass look above them
only they can see where the clouds are going
only to discover dust and sunlight
ever make the sky so blue
Afternoon is hazy
river flowing, all around the sounds
moving closer to them
telling them the story
told by flora..
dreams they never knew
Silver willows, tears from Persia
those who come from a far-off island
winter Chanterelle lies under cover
Glory-of-the-sun in blue
Some they know as passion
some as freedom
some they know as love
and the way it leaves them
summer snowflake for a season
when the sky above is blue
oh when the sky above is blue

Lying in the long grass close beside her
giving her the name of the one the moon loves
this will be the day she will remember
when she knew his heart was loving in the long grass
close beside her whispering of love
and the way it leaves them
lying in the long grass in the sunlight
they believe it's true love
and from all around them
flora's secret, telling them of love
and the way it breathes
and looking up from eyes of amaranthine
they can see the sky is blue
knowing that their love is true
dreams they never knew
and the sky above is blue

Sekedar Cerita Si Turis Bencana...

Kita berenam tiba di Aceh Senin malam tanggal 10 Januari 2005 langsung menuju posko Sahabat NAD yang bertempat di kantor LSM Pase yang bergerak di bidang konservasi dan juga berpengalaman mendampingi pengungsi daerah konflik Aceh. Di sana kita dalam koordinasi LSM Pase. Kegiatan sehari-hari adalah assessment/mengumpulkan data pengungsi, dropping bantuan dsb., termasuk evakuasi walau saat di sana kita ga pernah di ajak L, mungkin karena kondisinya dah lebih tidak memungkinkan lagi. Kita yang perempuan biasanya ke dapur bantuin masak kalau sedang tidak ada acara keluar.

Tujuan pendistribusi bantuan ada beberapa macam, yaitu untuk pengungsi yang berada di posko-posko atau camp-camp (koloni besar, bisa sampai 600 orang) dan pengungsi yang menumpang di rumah kerabat atau rumah penduduk lain yang selamat. Dua jenis ini sebelum dropping bantuan, posko Sahabat NAD sebelumnya telah mendata assessment hingga didapat informasi jenis dan kuantitas bantuan apa yang diperlukan di lokasi tersebut. Berikutnya ada juga pemberian bantuan untuk pengungsi yang datang ke posko Sahabat NAD yang biasanya akan diberi bantuan dalam bentuk paket sembako dan juga sandang (pakaian dalam, mukena, dsb.) serta barang lain yang dibutuhkan. Lalu untuk pengungsi, warga setempat yang membutuhkan, serta relawan yang ditemui dijalan yang membutuhkan; biasanya sore hari kita keliling-keliling membawa air mineral dan biskuit untuk siapa yang kita rasa membutuhkan yang kita temui di jalan.

Kesulitan yang dihadapi adalah masih terbatasnya sarana transportasi, pengungsi yang berpindah-pindah tempat, kurangnya koordinasi, bertumpuknya barang, hingga kondisi keamanan di Aceh itu sendiri (ada semacam jam malam utk antisipasi serangan GAM) sehingga waktu gerak kita terbatas.

Posko Sahabat NAD berencana akan tetap disana hingga tahap rehabilitasi (+/- 3 bulan kedepan), posko-posko lain juga ada yang malah akan berprogram disana untuk beberapa tahun ke depan. Yang paling diharapkan pengungsi saat ini adalah relokasi karena camp pengungsi bukan tempat yang layak untuk hidup, setelah itu mereka juga berharap dapat segera mencari nafkah lagi serta menyekolahkan anak-anak mereka…

Segitu dulu, makasih dah ngasih kita kesempatan buat jadi relawan… Masih mau deh ke Aceh ;)

Best wishes,

Hunny Heart O'Mine

G merasa lain satu dua hari terakhir ini; how I feel prettier? How I feel happier?
Apakah marah itu telah hilang? How come...???!!! Apa g dah bisa ikhlas atas segala rasa kecewa itu? GOD, how come!!!

Hunny Heart O'Mine

Remembrance of Geography,
And memories of canopies,
Nothing to blame oh my hunny heart,
It's just wrong choice in my path...

The smiles of loved ones,
Undone proses and poems,
Nothing to blame oh my hunny heart,
It's just such pain in my life...

*weep no more, Sitta!!*

My Old Poetries

THE POETRY MINIMIZES ALL GOODS, SO THEY COULD ENTER YOUR HEART. EVENTHOUGH IT CAN'T REPLACE THEM, JUST DOES A LITTLE BIT DUPLICATION.

ONLY TWO RULES IN POETRY, THERE MUST BE THE HONESTY AND THE TRUTH....

Contents:

• Ghost
  
• Fatal Obsession
  
• Don't Be So Sad
  
• Solitaire's Poem
  
• For Me
  
• First Time Leaving Home
  
• No Need Much Words
  
• In A Winter Night
  
• Living Lonely (dedicated to Enya)
  
• I'm Sweeping
  
• A White River
  
• Thank God for These Convex Eyes
  
• Once Upon My Country
  
• Only If
  
• Grief and Remorse
  
• Wanting To Be Loved
  
• Rainy Fairytale
  
• Missing A Friend
  
• The Dawn Treader
  
• My 21 (an unsound state)
  
• Wrong Choice
  

---

GHOST

I created a ghost

A spooky one

And it did it's job well

Haunting me !

* our fallacies and faults are the ghosts for ourselves *

---

FATAL OBSESSION

It blows the loves away

And the understanding of truth

- May be the faith too -

It makes anyone crazy

Fatal obsession kills him softly

* too much of something is not a good thing *

---

DON'T BE SO SAD

The leaves always down

Everywhere, everyway, everyhow

Don't blame the blowing winds

Don't claim the sawing machines

The leaves will always down

The worms will not frown

There'll be an ending

No evergreen

* just learning how to take and give *

---

SOLITAIRE'S POEM

I'm in the sunset

Over a distant shore

Watching the sun goes down

And the sand which is so bright

Wondering of what's what goes on

And of something which had left me behind

I'm in the velvet grey

Though no fog hangs the air

The way has disappeared

A prayer holds me in breathing

* awaring that there's no other places to be in but God's *

---

FOR ME

A bedroom is a heart

A window is a sight

---

FIRST TIME LEAVING HOME

Today...today

When I can feel nothing

And be wondered of what's what inside me

That I will be on my way

Today...today

When something begins talking

And the life stands seriously

That the steps are mine completely

* ...when reaching my 20 *

---

NO NEED MUCH WORDS

There's no need much words

On showing

...the dream in every wink of eyes

...the fragrant winter

...the gentle flattery

...the hopes

...or the how big a love is

'Cause the things in our heart will be showed in our sight

---

IN A WINTER NIGHT

I sit on my seat in a winter night

...am so lonesome

...am tired

I wish I could be cold and quite

...like the snow

...the dump

I need the time and room

...to think and cry

...to keep me hanging

---

LIVING LONELY

The evacuation is my home

They say here is cold and frozen

But they know nothing

Here is a hope to talk with the sky and the stars

Here is a hope...

* I just understand how it'd feel like... *

---

I'M SWEEPING

They say I'm so silent

Have no words to say

Why can't they hear ?

That I'm sweeping

They guess I'm so apathetic

Have no attentions to show

Why can't they see ?

That I'm healing

* sometimes we need to be alone to fix the things in ours, it's just okay.... *

---

A WHITE RIVER

As I walked out home in one morning

And passed over a white river

I believed that I'd be back there someday

After times, the belief comes true

Now I am passing over that river again

But a white river has been a purple one

* only one morning for one day *

---

THANK GOD FOR THESE CONVEX EYES

How to imagine the moon if we have the concave eyes ?

The people also have to be rush on running here and there to see what happens

And the telescope has no uses at all

Thank God for these convexs eyes

* an ocean thank is not enough to pay a drop of God's mercy... *

---

ONCE UPON MY COUNTRY

There were the colour of the fruits and the smell of the breads

There was the beautiful morning when we went to the river to take a bath

There was the pain but it didn't mean that we forgot the joys

There was the young me who loved to play with friends and toys

There was the bright dawn came to my family

There was the young me who couldn't part the dream and the reality

---

ONLY IF

If I were a cloud, I would ask the wind to blow me to the land that has no life

So I could change this pain into rain

If this pain were the water:) were not the gasoline

So this anger wouldn't be a flame

---

GRIEF AND REMORSE

Grief :)

If I told you that you'd been forgiven, I meant it

But don't be so sure that the pain you caused had disappered

Remorse :)

If I told you that I was sorry, I meant it

But don't think that the regret I had had gone away

---

WANTING TO BE LOVED

As a one in grey I was sitting on the edge of a street beneath the rain

As I watched the people with the colourful umbrellas in my scene walking with their boons

As I felt the cold strangled me tight then I tided on the cesspool dying

As I wanted to be loved

---

RAINY FAIRYTALE

I travelled home on a bus

The wet wind blowed the windows, tough

The trees seemed to release their leaves

And the nymphs swung with their mysteries

There was such a squeezed throat

Because the atmosfer was so cold

Boy, I loved to hear the rain's rhythm

And hoped there're also the sound of the pipe of uilleann

---

MISSING A FRIEND

I've never been counting the days since we're not together

Just caring of my longing to you

I've always been dreaming of you with my unsent letters

Just hoping that the same is what you do

---

THE DAWN TREADER

No winds, no waves

Nothing in the dawn to be scared

No whizes, no crashes

Nothing in the tread to be shamed

---

MY 21 (AN UNSOUND STATE)

The world said it's a great picture

But I left the day of my 21th birth

Hiding my happiness and sorrow

... I couldn't show my face

I couldn't find my 21

I lost my childhood and teenage

I was scared of growing up....

---

WRONG CHOICE

--wrong choice, place---cause sadness and regret of the days which had gone--I'll write later

It'd be nice if someday, I could write the beautiful poem(s), and there're the rests in my diary, I haven't written them here. Be back soon, okay ?

• Let's go back to the top

---

Last updated on September, 1999

Ode To My Family

Ode to My Family Page

Sometimes, we don't realize that our parents are the two of the best gifts for us. Okay, choose the poem title :

• My Mother's Teardrops
  
• My Father's Poetry Book
  

---

MY MOTHER'S TEARDROPS

I'd never seen my mother crying

.......except when her mom died and when I was so silly

I'd never seen my mother complaining

.......except when something went to beyond the humanity

I'd never been spoiled by her

.......except when the illness ruined me down

I'd never done something hurted her

.......except what she'd forgiven

---

MY FATHER'S POETRY BOOK

He'd never told me about the burdens

He'd never showed me his sweats

He'd never harrased me with his hopes

He'd never asked me to work

( I'd never known them until I found his poetry book )

.......it told them to me

.......it showed them to me

.......it harrased me

.......it asked me to

He'd never said anything about me

.......except in his prayer

---

Sniff, I told you before. IT'LL BE MOVING ME !.

Mother, Father, I'll always love you both.

Hearty Gift

My Biography

My Childhood (Prekindergarten, Kindergarten and Elementary School Grade)

I was born as the youngest child in family. That situation places me in an unique condition that I'll always be a little one and also be cared too much. Hmm, let me think my furthest memory, that's when I was... two years old, yea, when I was a very sweeeeet baby. I remember my red shoes which always accompanied my steeps with sound " tweet - tweet ". There was only a battery radio for amusing us in our woody home, no electricity, it's a very old-fashioned-time. The homes' roof was quite low, mainly the front room where I could hang the ceiling. We had a not-permanent-room at the top floor, I liked to sleep in there at night, my father always accompanied me to avoid me from falling downward. But when the electricity came, it was when I was about four may be, there'd be dangerous to use that room, so I couldn't go upstair to do some sleep.

* He he, actually I don't have enough memory about my age at my childhood time *

I was a careless little girl, for example I'd ever hurted my neighbour's child in an accident, that made me seemed naughty. Both my father and mother were working so I only could meet them at noon or evening, and my sisters also my brother were quite far from me in age, so I did't meet the adequate friends at home, eventhough like that, they loved me so (mainly, my father ). It ruined me lonely at home (sniff !!), so I tried to find friends outdoor. The children at my neighbourhood at that time were older than me and male. They received me to be their friend but sometimes they didn't and again I was left behind (sniff !!, again). Until then, when the younger ones were born, although they're also male, I think I had the better friends. We played together, yes I was the only girl among those boys, but I was older... and stronger. They couldn't left me behind. Ha ha ha, but I was a nice friend for them. But also, a careless one.

Sometimes I played with my sisters and brother too, they tough me to speak, ride bicycle, play kite..., it's beautiful. But it's just a little crush.... It's not enough to build my caracteristics, that the sisters and brothers should. By the way, it's just fine. We should find our identity on our own effort though. Oya, about my parents, just open my "Ode to my family" page . Do you know what's my favorite game ?, ha ha, yea, a tomboy girl's, just like playing the marble ball, kite, bicycle, climbing the tree, taking a rain-bath..., etc, but don't forget that I loved to read too, just like Smurf (and others of Peyo), Asterix, Books by Enid Blyton, Alfred Hitchock, Stefan Wolf...etc, even I made my own comics. I still remember that I "created" the creatures named Spusos for my comics, inspired by the cute imaginary creatures I fonded of, Smurfs !. Wow, all of them were fun !.

At the last years on my childhood I met good friends, we did many things together...hmmm. I also found a cute boy to be thought of, ha ha.

I think my childhood has been described enough. Let the other memories be kept on my mind, would you ?. Okay, now let's see, when Sitta was a teens....

My Teenage (Junior and Senior High School Grade)

May be it's my favorite ages, I met my important first time in there. I was so free in mind and also was so fresh to learn anything. I read many sweet books at my junior high times just like Candy-Candy, Pop Corn (Seito Shokun), Der Kleine Vampire, Detective Books ...etc, and heard Enya. I always had time for watching the sky, sunset,...moon that I can't do so that often lately. I grew and grew up more when entering senior high school grade, I can catched the meaning of the objects more. I still read my old books but also read the new ones just like Girl Talk, Dracula...etc. I also encouraged myself to read the serious book just like about Islam and other topics. Hmm, my teenage... when the first time that I created the nice short stories, comics, poetries and lyrics meaningfully. Oya, I met my sweet friends too at that times.

Ehm, actually I was (okay okay,...I am !) quite a shy girl at some events, just like when I have to speak in front off a large number of people, when I meet a new friend or when I meet a long lost friend. Ha ha, it really embarrases me. I think that bad mannor is caused by my childhood time, that I had not the adequate playmates. Sniff, how sad !. But I believe I could handle it soon.

My College Grade and Now

Actually, I'm not grown up enough but I always try to gather the lessons in my every step and breath (hmp !). I oftenly remember the past times and dream about them much. They really put my basic carasteristics, I'm not different much from myself when I was a child or was a teen. That's okay I think because I was not a bad girl, was I ?. I realize that sometimes I go on my childish way, but more time and experience are needed to be mature (am I right ?). Hmm, I have to go now, may be I'll write more then, but just enjoy this one, would you ?. Take care of you there !.

About Winter

Hmm, I really love winter. You can see it through how often I use the wintery situation in my stories and poetries.
In my country, I only can meet rain in winter, that's enough after all, but I wish to be on the snowy field, near the sub-tropical forest. Do you think it is too much ?.
In winter, I enjoy the cold weather, pale day, wet wind.... Hmm, cold, pale and wet sound gloomy sometimes, but what I mean is winter not disaster, lol.
May be this liking of winter was begun on my childhood. I loved to read the books or at least to see the pictures about fairytale that came from the European countries, the cold countries.
Childhood..., the time when I had no burdens on my back and no aches in my head, when the world was so wide, when I never be scared of tomorrow.
Meeting winter seems bringing me back to be a kid, how lovely.

About Tropical Country

I love winter, yes. But it doesn't mean that I don't like the place where I have been living in a lifetime: rich and beautiful tropical country, Indonesia. I thank God for that, that I could see the blue, bright and clear sky in allyear long. And don't forget the cool and gentle winds !, how I love them all.

---

Last updated on August, 1999