Diary Ramadhan (19 Feb-18 Mar 2026)

Day 1. Hari Kamis, libur awal puasa masih sisa 4 hari lagi. Aku sahur shake herbalife dengan pisang ambon matang sempurna dari kulkas. Tubuhku yg mendamba nasi melemaskan dirinya. Angin dari laut sangat intens, aku dan kucing2 tidur nyaris seharian. Sore tiba dengan cepat, tidak ada aktifitas yg signifikan. Sorenya aku mengantar kurma ke rumah my sister dan mencari menu berbuka. sangat ramai di jalan dan di stand2 dadakan yg menjual takjil. Day 2. Sama seperti hari pertama. Sagur herbalife membuatku berasa kurang tenaga. Dan krn sudah ketinggalan jauh, aku tadarus pake app hp yg ada murotalnya. Ini jam 1 malam. Aku kebangun dari mimpi bahwa ada pencuri motor trail di lingk kami dan malam itu ketangkap. Salah satunya sembunyi di kamar rumah tetangga. Tyt punya ilmu, dia nempel di dinding lalu masuk lewat celah ke plafon. Aku cm bisa sholawat. Dari situ dia lompat keluar, ke pohon. Mgkn krn aku td siang liat tukang di rumah tetangga yg kukira mau maling lalu sorenya ada pengendara trail yg nyebelin. Setting juga berubah dari lingk ku (awalnya ngintip ke arah rumah di bawah itu krn malam2 suara motor, kynya ngintip sm ibu) ke rumah guru orang batak yg sm2 mau pelatihan di medan (aku numpang di rumahnya yg bersih dan luas); mgkn krn aku chat dg teman smuleku yg batak. Masih lama ke sahur. Aku blm brasa gagah utk beberes. Jd mgkn tidur lg lah.

Aku Bukan Pilihan

Aku barusan mendengar undangan dari speaker masjid utk jamaah maghrib tadi, bahwa bapak2 yg pernah ingin melamarku besok menikah. Alhamdulillah ya. Orangnya terhormat. Sikapnya bagus dan sholeh. Anak2nya sukses. Saat utusannya datang menanyakan padaku 1-2 bulan lalu, aku tidak berpikir lama untuk mengatakan tidak. Karena aku sadar bahwa aku bukan pilihan. Aku takut beliau salah menilaiku. Aku terlalu lelah dan merasa terlalu terbebani. Kasihan orang yg bersamaku. Aku yang begini. Kucing2ku pula. Aku bukan pilihan. Semoga Allah memberi ketenangan dan kebahagiaan pada beliau. Aamiin YRA.

Mimpi dan Petunjuk

Kalo aku sedang sakit, biasanya mimpinya cukup instense. Tidak harus menyeramkan, intense maksudnya tidak gampang lupa. Tapi ini mgkn bakal lupa jadi aku tulis disini. Jd sejak kmrn aku agak demam dan pusing. Wiken kan, kerjaanku cm tidur. Pagibtadi aku tidur. Mimpinya cukup berasa. Jd aku lg kaya di hutan/kebun bareng temanku yg sama2 asal daerahnya, namanya D*** dan D*******. Kami berbincang, setelah habis masa pelatihan, apakah kami akan tetap bertugas di sekolah kami. Ya kami sepakat, toh kami sudah sampe bikin rumah di daerah rantau kami ini. Lalu muncul teman kami yg asli lokal, namanya P*******. Katanya bunga2 durian ditutupi hama putih. D*** penasaran dan naik sedikit hingga bisa melihat pucuk pohon. Ternyata mmg benar. Agar lebih jelas kami memutuskan utk berjalan ke atas jembatan besar. Suasana enak, teduh. Mmg byk hama putih, kami pun terlanjur menyeberang, melihat awal jembatan begitu jauh di bawah seberang sana. Di seberang tyt ada wahana, yg terdekat dan menarik bagiku adalah area dunia peri. Jd ada jalan masuk ke taman yg tertutup, tidak ada cahaya matahari, yg ada hanya cahaya biru. Mungkin dari lampu. Aku pikir hebat juga ada yg bikin wahana yg bagus spt itu. Kok kepikiran n bisa kena begitu dg temanya. Tapi aku tidak berani masuk, hanya numpang berfoto saja di depan jalan masuk taman tsb. Entah apa arti mimpi itu, atau mmg cuma bunga tidur. Malam sebelumnya, aku ketiduran sebelum isya. Jd aku isya menjelang subuh, alhamdulillah sempat tahajjud. Dalam tahajjud aku minta tolong cara memgurus kucing terutama Timmy yg bermasalah kesehatan serta kukuatirkan membuat rumah menjadi terkena najis. Setelah itu, seolah petunjuk, aku diilhami kuncinya adalah rajin. Aku tidak boleh malas dalam menjaga kebersihan. Nah, itulah ceritaku tentang mimpi yg belum jelas maksudnya dan tentang hikmah tahajjud yg instantly memberi petunjuk terbaik. Gimana?

Hari Raya

Sepertinya tidak ada manusia yg tahu, bahwa sudah lama aku tidak berhari raya. Mungkin tidak nampak, namun di dalam aku memang tidak merasa gegap gempita. Hari raya bukan alasanku bahagia. Bukan juga untuk bersuka cita. Cukup utk membuat orang lain merasa nyaman saja. Salahkah?

Di Dekatmu

Ajak aku menyusuri Tempat yg asing Dan tanpa tujuan Tidak mengapa Aku hanya perlu Merasa ada di dekatmu

My Inner Child

Aku baru teringat beberapa hal di masa kecilku. Setiap hari menunggu bapakku pulang kerja, menanyakan apakah membawa kaset Flash Gordon yg kuidamkan sejak melihatnya di iklan majalah. Tidak pernah bapakku bawa dg berbagai alasan. Bapakku bukan orang pelit, hanya saja mgkn kaset tsb tidak edar di kotaku. Sebetulnya apapun yang kuinginkan asalkan beliau bisa menyiapkannya, akan diberikan. Setiap hari juga aku menitip pesan pada ibuku agar pakaian seragam TK nanti yg bukan model rok (aku tidak suka pakaian cewe). Tp tetap seragam TK ku tetap ala cewe. Aku juga ada daftar barang-barang lain yang sangat kuinginkan tp too good to be true, spt Atari Games. Atau tiket acara Google V yg mampir ke Jakarta. Tp yang seperti itu tidak kupesan krn aku tahu tidak akan dibelikan. Namun, sejauh yg kuingat adalah Flash Gordon lah yg paling kutunggu. Aku selalu menanti dan menanyakannya. Bapak dengan lembut seolah meyakinkanku bahwa suatu hari aku akan dibawakannya. Aku terus menanti. Inner child ku adalah mengharap sesuatu dengan berlebihan. Termakan janji kosong. Menanti yang tak pasti. Merasa anxiety dalam menanti. Dan kini aku sangat mudah kecewa atau mungkin cm takut kecewa. Baru kini aku menyadari hubungan semuanya. Aku tak tahu betapa dasyatnya pengaruh inner child. OMG.

Eksisi Multiple FAM

14.10.24 minggu pagi pulang ke palembang utk ke dokter bedah erwin maulana di rs pusri. Dengan izin sebagian besar kerabat dan istikharah, aku mantap menjalani operasi. 17.10.24 kamis malam mulai opname 18.10.24 jum'at pagi masuk ruang operasi sekitar jam 8, disiapkan sekitar 30 menit trus bangun hampir jam 11. Di antara semua ketakutanku akan operasi n dampaknya, yg paling mencekamku adalah saat di bius. Satu atau dua minggu sebelum ada mempertimbangkan operasi, aku mimpi terbius dan berjuang untuk bangun. Aku dengan seksama menunggu dan mengikuti petunjuk dari Tuhan hingga akhirnya terbangun dari dunia yg hampa. Aku juga sering terpikir jika terjebak dalam dunia tidur, apa yang akan aku lakukan. Membayangkan senangnya jika aku hapal banyak ayat suci dan tahu banyak hikayat; untuk mengisi kekosongan di alam sana. Siapa sangka aku begitu cemas sehingga di meja operasi aku merasa ingin buang air kecil, aku kuatkan hati dengan logika apa mungkin segitu perlunya secara sejak,jam 2 malam aku sudah puasa, malah bbrp jam sblmnya aku sudah berhenti makan dan minum. Ibu cemas, ata perawat. Saat itu aku berbaring melebarkan tangan. Lampu operasi belum juga hidup. Aku merasa seperti strum kesemutan di lipatan-lipatan tubuh. Kata perawat, itu efek obat anti alergi. Aku tidak ingat apa sempat berdoa, aku hanya kuatir dengan kondisi kebeletku. Entah gimana dan kapan ceritanya aku terpejam, merasa cuma sekejap aku sudah membuka mata ftlagi. Sudah di tempat beda, ada rasa sedikit sakit luka yang sudah di jahit di kedua tempat yg dioperasi. Ah, sepertinya sudah selesai, pikirku. Aku pun di antar ke ruang inap dimana aku melanjutkan tidur untuk bbrp jam kemudian. Tidak ada ingatan ataupun kisah, boro-boro pengalaman spiritual selama dibius. Hanya saja relativitas waktu sungguh bermain. Sekejap mata kurasakan untuk operasi yang kira-kira lebih dari dua jam. Mungkinkah kehidupan berakhir seperti itu? Tanpa kita sadari tiba-tiba sudah di alam kubur? Alangkah kaget dan ngerinya ya.. Sepertinya harus dimaknai lebih dalam.

Pouting. Hating.

Holidays will end soon. I hate work. ah. Not only work. I nearly hate everything. I don't know why. I hate myself, not literaly, but more likely: unsatisfied. I think abi hates me too now. There were nice dreams of him after he passed away, but in the strong dreams, he often pouted. First, not long after he passed away, in my dream he was picked by his mosque-mates to go to the mosque (for maghrib prayer). He pouted seeing me lingering not having purpose in someone's house, I said not to wait for me, I was still playing around. He went with his friends without looking back at me. Still pouting. Second, he came. Standing infront of our front door with sad and pouty face at 03.30 a.m. He always wanted I prayed tahajjud. I never did as he wanted because he always asked me to, not by taking my hands to do it with him. I didn't like it, I could not make my self strong with that way. Wallahi, now I meet dead-end. I am like having no visions of future. I am stuck of being and doing nothing. What I have to do is back to Allah. I will strenghthen myself to do tahajjud insha Allah. For Allah to love me, help me, forgive me.

These All were Actually My Dreams

These all were actually my dreams, God has made them coming true. In better versions, really. Wallahi. And why am I complaining? Do you wanna know what I "dreamt" about? Mostly careless dreams, derived by my negative or melancolic thoughts. Feeling lost, like in Enya's songs. My adventure soul was on fire. Feeling lonely and being alone. Easy, just see this blogspot's title. I made it a long time ago. Marriage, even only for a short time, or only for a status. I thought being a spinster was worse. Bitter sweet love, separated by death. So pretty in movies. Being an eccentric, un-aged, living alone grand-aunty. I wrote it in my short story, I thought the character was cool. Being a junior high teacher. I always loved the films about this profession. And other. A lot more. Ever since I still have my breath, there are many dreams await to come true. I just have to set them right and never again having negative melancoly ones. I should remember this.

The Future. The Dream.

Yesterday, I saw a very beautiful afternoon sky. The beauty that was hard for me to dive now. I knew it's pretty, but my heart was still empty. I asked myself why, why my heart was so dimmed, so dry. After some thoughts, I realized, it was because I lost my dreams of future. I didn't have things to chase. I didn't want the future. As if I wanted the time just stopped here and now. No wonder that my days become just counting down. Or even not counting anymore. Nothing matters, nothing is precious. No more. I should worry about this.

To The Fullest?

 Hi..

Hari ini 31.05.22, setelah bbrp hari terakhir berusaha mensetting pikiran, aku akhirnya mempunyai target dalam menjalani hidup: to the fullest. Loving the life I live sould be my first step, krn yg pertama kita perjuangkan seharusnya mmg adalah apa yg sudah kita miliki. 

30.11.2018, setelah sholat jum'at suamiku mulai sakit, tidak bisa bicara namu bisa menjawab dg anggukan dan gelengan hingga divonis stroke berat setelah lewat dari jam 9 malam. Ya Allah, menceritakan ini saja masih sangat membuatku bersedih.

Okt atau Nov 2020, kami bawa suami pulang kampung dg niat berobat dan menjenguk bapak yg sudah sakit2an. Rencana a uhwal hanya 3 bulan, berlanjut jd hingga lebaran, hingga tanpa kejelasan krn keponakan yg biasa membantu kami dilarang kembali ke Bangka. Pandemi covid19 masih melanda, aku pun ragu membawa suami pulang. Namun yg paling kusesali adalah mengapa kami harus terpisah, aku percaya bila dekat bersamaku, dia lebih bahagia. Aku seperti menyia2kan hidupku saat jauh darinya. Waktuku yg luang sementara suamiku sepi tanpa aku sbg teman hiduonya.

Juli 2020, keponakan sakit dan akhirnya meninggal. Suamiku terpukul dan kondisinya kurang terawat krn istri keponakan harus membagi waktu dan tenaga untuk merawat suaminya juga. Pandemi zona hitam disana, namun saat aku vc suami aku sadar harus menemuinya.

12.08.2021, suamiku meninggal tengah malam lewat sedikit. Hanya berjarak sekitar 10 hari dari keponakannya. Covid19, sptnya keponakan yg membawanya. Berjntung aku pulang, hingga kini aku bawa dampak covid19 krn aku ikut kena. Suamiku. Abi. Aku masih terluka. 

Mimpiku yg dahulu pernah kutulis disini sudah lama menunjukkan bahwa abi sudah di jalannya sendiri kini, aku semestinya mengisi hidupku dg hal yg lebih berarti drpd bersedih.  Mendoakannya. Mendoakan diriku sendiri.

Aku harus.

Harus hidup dg berarti.

Namun bercerita singkat begini saja aku masih menangis.

Masih..

Lame

Many people have been struck by covid19. I myself got infected since I was with my hubby in isolation room.

Until now I often feel problem in my breath and am weaker. Sometimes I think I'm not gonna life for more long time.

And I feel so alone.

Hhh.. My writing is lame.

My Life Since 12.08.21

 Or should I put the title: My Life Since 30.11.18

As at that day my husband got very sick. He got severe stroke; not the light ones like before since we married. 

And at the end of 2020, we should be apart as he was transferred to his hometown to get closer to his beloved father who was sick and weaker. It was planned for just about 3 months and he should be home after that. But the covid things and our nephew was not allowed by his mom to be back to my residence (his mom wanted him always near her).

That's what I regret so much as I lost a year with him. I visited like 4 times, stayed about one-two weeks on each visit. But it's not at home. I got an idea to ask the family to bring him back to me no matter what, but then I saw his condition became worst. The climax was when our nephew was struck by covid and passed away. I believe the same covid infected my husband as well.

At 12.08.21 he passed away at the hospital. Only about ten days after his nephew. Although I was with him at the covid isolation room, it's hard for me to realize that my husband would never come back home.

So, I have been like lost right now. Sometimes being at home is fun with all these sweet memories but sometimes it tortures me.

I just miss him so bad. At home. With me.

My life since 12.08.21 is lamenting and other gloomy things. He would hate that. He would hate me for doing what I am doing now.

Dalam Mimpiku Melepasmu, Bi..

Aku di dalam sebuah rumah, entah rumah siapa. Ada keperluan, tp aku santai. Bisa baring-baring, ga hijaban. Tiba-tiba aku tersadar, abi yg mengantarku dan masih menunggu di luar. Hari sudah sore, urusanku bahkan belum jelas apa, apalagi selesainya. Entah kapan.

Abi pasti gelisah karena hari sudah mau maghrib dan beliau biasanya harus bersiap-siap dulu sebelum ke masjid. Dia suka memakai pakaian yang bagus kalo mau sholat berjamaah di masjid. Aku bergegas menghampiri abi yg duduk di bangku dekat pintu samping. 

"Abi pulanglah duluan. Sudah mau maghrib. Ummi masih belum selesai urusannya."

Tetiba kusadari, abi sudah berganti pakaian. Kemeja batik biru panjang dan kain sarung putih kotak-kotaknya. Plus songkok. Tidak menoleh ke arahku, hanya saja sepertinya mendengar ucapanku. Abi nampaknya mmg sudah gelisah menungguku utk menyuruhnya pulang agar dirinya bisa ke masjid. Segera saja bbrp "teman masjid"nya datang menjemputnya untuk pergi bersama-sama ke masjid.

Abi beranjak dan pergi bersama mereka tanpa sepatah kata pun kepadaku. Tidak menoleh lagi.

Dia hanya butuh aku melepaskannya pergi.

Semoga kecintaanmu pada sholat berjamaah di masjid menjadi syafaat untukmu, Bi.

Tinggalkanlah aku. Aku tidak apa-apa. Semoga.

My State

My state right now is like ... --afraid.

I am afraid thinking about burdens of my life, so what I do is to stop thinking about everything.

I am afraid doing unfinished things, so what I do is not to start anything.

Yes, it's like taking antibiotics. You hope to heal someday, but in the process you will make other part of you sick. But hopefully all will be cure in the same time and I have a chance to live again.

Have You Ever Experienced A Girl Crush?!

Have you ever?

Have I ever? 

According to Oxford Languages, girl crush is an intense and typically non-sexual liking or admiration felt by one woman or girl for another.

I don't know whether it strikes every girl/woman or just some lucky girls. Why lucky? I think it's because when we experience a girl crush, it means we are so grateful to be born as a female. No regret of being a member of this marvelous creature pack.

Let me see on how many times I've got girl crushes. Hmm. I think it's so many. But the very strong ones were about three times. I don't have to tell you the whole stories but what I can tell you now that it's not because of merely a physical beauty. Yes, beauty is a strong attraction; but sometimes I got a crush only by the voice, the gentleness, the way a person smiles, the togetherness, etc. And since I agree with Oxford's definition, I don't think it's for any sexual purpose. When I get one, I just want to be around or hanging together. A bit clingy is just fine. How about cuddling? Well, it could be risky. But that's fine --only if your crush is also not into girls sexually. 

But I also found that when either you or your crush got a big problem that she could not handle alone, or something burdened or hurt her a lot; your relationship could be misled to something else as at that moment we needed someone badly to rely on.

I write this because lately I have been reading online comics. I accidentally found and read ones of the genre of girl's love that is quite different from girl crush as it involves sexual things. So surprised that the genre has so many readers. 

Well, in our way of life as muslims, girl's love is not allowed. So it's kinda confusing as the readers are mainly very young.

I actually don't know where is this writing up to; I just want to say: yes, I have ever experienced girl crush and now I want to ask you what's your opinion about it. Do you think the same like I do? And what about girl's love? How is it using your belief to react such relationship like that? 

Tell Your Wife!

Hey..

I come back so soon 😅

It's how it's gonna be. When I want to say something, I will reach you. I can't do that in FB etc this way as people will label me as needy or things like that. My contact will be so fed up with me. What a nuisance.

I just want to say:

"Husbands, tell the things that you really want to your wives!! Stop holding back!!"

Man, the things I mean are those you want your wife do or try.

When you want a beautiful and stylish wife, say it.

When you want to eat delicious homemade food, say it.

Or when you want some other ways on your bed, say it.

I believe your wife can not do telepathy.

So use your words to make she KNOWS. Well, things need to fight for. And we women don't wanna fight for nothing. Say it so we know that we fight for something you need. Something that makes you happier.

And don't forget we need our husbands' support too. Don't let us fight alone.

My husband wanted me to look pretty.

My husband loved it when I cooked.

My husband asked me to bed more oftenly on the last days before he collapsed of his illness.

I knew things my husband needed TOO LATE.

Don't let it happen to you.

Moving Back

Hi, it's me.

Long time no see, eh?

Been so lonely nowadays, wish to show my feeling and talk about it but in the same time I don't feel comfortable when everyone being too attentive for me. I just need someone special, it's might be no one right now. 

For these whole time I use FB, IG or WA feed or story. But I can't utterly touch the very core of my feeling as it's too sensitive. Like I wanna have a drama. I don't need drama. I don't need regular friends to talk about things that bother me the most.

Why didn't I use diary --the book??

Well, I think it's gonna make me even lonelier as much I keep shut.

Why here?

Because on FB etc I wait for comments. While here it might be no comments till forever. As might be someone will see this and she would be a right friend to share. As if I talk to the universe. I want to be free by writing down in here.

I think God is so loving me. He has been giving all I want in my whispers. Approving all my scenarios. It's just I'm the one who oftenly spells so many careless whispers. When I was a cheerful and bright teenager, I found a darkside called loneliness. I was eager to have taste of it. Imagining the beauty of being lonely. Since then I have face ups and downs with it. I messed with loneliness the I have to deal with it.

Welcome to my solitude standing on 2021.

I'll write later.

You can call me Sitta. It's my real name.

Lone Bday Girl

Beberapa hari lalu aku matiin penanda ultah di fesbuk.. Maksudnya bukan apa2, cuma ingin melepas kesempatan dimanja2 oleh keluarga dan teman saja.. Krn sbg orang dewasa sptnya saya sudah terlalu manja, jd mgkn sekali2 ultah dalam kesendirian saja.. Walau begitu masih ada jg yg ingat walau tanpa pemberitahuan di sosmed.. Intinya alhamdulillah aku masih diberi kesempatan utk bersyukur.. Happy bday, Sitta..

Such Place

There's such place When I feel So close So happy So tranquill So heard So longing for a haqqul yaqin