Pouting. Hating.

Holidays will end soon. I hate work. ah. Not only work. I nearly hate everything. I don't know why. I hate myself, not literaly, but more likely: unsatisfied. I think abi hates me too now. There were nice dreams of him after he passed away, but in the strong dreams, he often pouted. First, not long after he died, when he was picked by his mosque-mates to go to the mosque (for maghrib prayer). He pouted seeing me lingering not having purpose in someone's house, I said not to wait for me, I was still playing around. He went with his friends without looking back at me. Still pouting. Second, he came. Standing infront of our front door with sad and pouty face at 03.30 a.m. He always wanted I prayed tahajjud. I never did as he wanted because he always asked me to, not by taking my hands to do it with him. I didn't like it, I could not make my self strong with that way. Wallahi, now I meet dead-end. I am like having no visions of future. I am stuck of being and doing nothing. What I have to do is back to Allah. I will strenghthen myself to do tahajjud insha Allah. For Allah to love me, help me, forgive me.