Dalam Mimpiku Melepasmu, Bi..

Aku di dalam sebuah rumah, entah rumah siapa. Ada keperluan, tp aku santai. Bisa baring-baring, ga hijaban. Tiba-tiba aku tersadar, abi yg mengantarku dan masih menunggu di luar. Hari sudah sore, urusanku bahkan belum jelas apa, apalagi selesainya. Entah kapan.

Abi pasti gelisah karena hari sudah mau maghrib dan beliau biasanya harus bersiap-siap dulu sebelum ke masjid. Dia suka memakai pakaian yang bagus kalo mau sholat berjamaah di masjid. Aku bergegas menghampiri abi yg duduk di bangku dekat pintu samping. 

"Abi pulanglah duluan. Sudah mau maghrib. Ummi masih belum selesai urusannya."

Tetiba kusadari, abi sudah berganti pakaian. Kemeja batik biru panjang dan kain sarung putih kotak-kotaknya. Plus songkok. Tidak menoleh ke arahku, hanya saja sepertinya mendengar ucapanku. Abi nampaknya mmg sudah gelisah menungguku utk menyuruhnya pulang agar dirinya bisa ke masjid. Segera saja bbrp "teman masjid"nya datang menjemputnya untuk pergi bersama-sama ke masjid.

Abi beranjak dan pergi bersama mereka tanpa sepatah kata pun kepadaku. Tidak menoleh lagi.

Dia hanya butuh aku melepaskannya pergi.

Semoga kecintaanmu pada sholat berjamaah di masjid menjadi syafaat untukmu, Bi.

Tinggalkanlah aku. Aku tidak apa-apa. Semoga.

My State

My state right now is like ... --afraid.

I am afraid thinking about burdens of my life, so what I do is to stop thinking about everything.

I am afraid doing unfinished things, so what I do is not to start anything.

Yes, it's like taking antibiotics. You hope to heal someday, but in the process you will make other part of you sick. But hopefully all will be cure in the same time and I have a chance to live again.

Have You Ever Experienced A Girl Crush?!

Have you ever?

Have I ever? 

According to Oxford Languages, girl crush is an intense and typically non-sexual liking or admiration felt by one woman or girl for another.

I don't know whether it strikes every girl/woman or just some lucky girls. Why lucky? I think it's because when we experience a girl crush, it means we are so grateful to be born as a female. No regret of being a member of this marvelous creature pack.

Let me see on how many times I've got girl crushes. Hmm. I think it's so many. But the very strong ones were about three times. I don't have to tell you the whole stories but what I can tell you now that it's not because of merely a physical beauty. Yes, beauty is a strong attraction; but sometimes I got a crush only by the voice, the gentleness, the way a person smiles, the togetherness, etc. And since I agree with Oxford's definition, I don't think it's for any sexual purpose. When I get one, I just want to be around or hanging together. A bit clingy is just fine. How about cuddling? Well, it could be risky. But that's fine --only if your crush is also not into girls sexually. 

But I also found that when either you or your crush got a big problem that she could not handle alone, or something burdened or hurt her a lot; your relationship could be misled to something else as at that moment we needed someone badly to rely on.

I write this because lately I have been reading online comics. I accidentally found and read ones of the genre of girl's love that is quite different from girl crush as it involves sexual things. So surprised that the genre has so many readers. 

Well, in our way of life as muslims, girl's love is not allowed. So it's kinda confusing as the readers are mainly very young.

I actually don't know where is this writing up to; I just want to say: yes, I have ever experienced girl crush and now I want to ask you what's your opinion about it. Do you think the same like I do? And what about girl's love? How is it using your belief to react such relationship like that? 

Tell Your Wife!

Hey..

I come back so soon 😅

It's how it's gonna be. When I want to say something, I will reach you. I can't do that in FB etc this way as people will label me as needy or things like that. My contact will be so fed up with me. What a nuisance.

I just want to say:

"Husbands, tell the things that you really want to your wives!! Stop holding back!!"

Man, the things I mean are those you want your wife do or try.

When you want a beautiful and stylish wife, say it.

When you want to eat delicious homemade food, say it.

Or when you want some other ways on your bed, say it.

I believe your wife can not do telepathy.

So use your words to make she KNOWS. Well, things need to fight for. And we women don't wanna fight for nothing. Say it so we know that we fight for something you need. Something that makes you happier.

And don't forget we need our husbands' support too. Don't let us fight alone.

My husband wanted me to look pretty.

My husband loved it when I cooked.

My husband asked me to bed more oftenly on the last days before he collapsed of his illness.

I knew things my husband needed TOO LATE.

Don't let it happen to you.

Moving Back

Hi, it's me.

Long time no see, eh?

Been so lonely nowadays, wish to show my feeling and talk about it but in the same time I don't feel comfortable when everyone being too attentive for me. I just need someone special, it's might be no one right now. 

For these whole time I use FB, IG or WA feed or story. But I can't utterly touch the very core of my feeling as it's too sensitive. Like I wanna have a drama. I don't need drama. I don't need regular friends to talk about things that bother me the most.

Why didn't I use diary --the book??

Well, I think it's gonna make me even lonelier as much I keep shut.

Why here?

Because on FB etc I wait for comments. While here it might be no comments till forever. As might be someone will see this and she would be a right friend to share. As if I talk to the universe. I want to be free by writing down in here.

I think God is so loving me. He has been giving all I want in my whispers. Approving all my scenarios. It's just I'm the one who oftenly spells so many careless whispers. When I was a cheerful and bright teenager, I found a darkside called loneliness. I was eager to have taste of it. Imagining the beauty of being lonely. Since then I have face ups and downs with it. I messed with loneliness the I have to deal with it.

Welcome to my solitude standing on 2021.

I'll write later.

You can call me Sitta. It's my real name.