Pouting. Hating.

Holidays will end soon. I hate work. ah. Not only work. I nearly hate everything. I don't know why. I hate myself, not literaly, but more likely: unsatisfied. I think abi hates me too now. There were nice dreams of him after he passed away, but in the strong dreams, he often pouted. First, not long after he died, when he was picked buy his mosque-mates to go to the mosque (for maghrib prayer). He pouted seeing me lingering not having purpose in someone's house, I said not to wait for me, I was still playing around. He went with his friends without looking back at me. Still pouting. Second, he came. Standing infront of our front door with sad and pouty face at 03.30 a.m. He always wanted I prayed tahajjud. I never did as he wanted because he always asked me to, not by taking my hands to do it with him. I didn't like it, I could not make my self strong with that way. Wallahi, now I meet dead-end. I am like having no visions of future. I am stuck of being and doing nothing. What I have to do is back to Allah. I will strenghthen myself to do tahajjud insha Allah. For Allah to love me, help me, forgive me.

These All were Actually My Dreams

These all were actually my dreams, God has made them coming true. In better versions, really. Wallahi. And why am I complaining? Do you wanna know what I "dreamt" about? Mostly careless dreams, derived by my negative or melancolic thoughts. Feeling lost, like in Enya's songs. My adventure soul was on fire. Feeling lonely and being alone. Easy, just see this blogspot's title. I made it a long time ago. Marriage, even only for a short time, or only for a status. I thought being a spinster was worse. Bitter sweet love, separated by death. So pretty in movies. Being an eccentric, un-aged, living alone grand-aunty. I wrote it in my short story, I thought the character was cool. Being a junior high teacher. I always loved the films about this profession. And other. A lot more. Ever since I still have my breath, there are many dreams await to come true. I just have to set them right and never again having negative melancoly ones. I should remember this.

The Future. The Dream.

Yesterday, I saw a very beautiful afternoon sky. The beauty that was hard for me to dive now. I knew it's pretty, but my heart was still empty. I asked myself why, why my heart was so dimmed, so dry. After some thoughts, I realized, it was because I lost my dreams of future. I didn't have things to chase. I didn't want the future. As if I wanted the time just stopped here and now. No wonder that my days become just counting down. Or even not counting anymore. Nothing matters, nothing is precious. No more. I should worry about this.

To The Fullest?

 Hi..

Hari ini 31.05.22, setelah bbrp hari terakhir berusaha mensetting pikiran, aku akhirnya mempunyai target dalam menjalani hidup: to the fullest. Loving the life I live sould be my first step, krn yg pertama kita perjuangkan seharusnya mmg adalah apa yg sudah kita miliki. 

30.11.2018, setelah sholat jum'at suamiku mulai sakit, tidak bisa bicara namu bisa menjawab dg anggukan dan gelengan hingga divonis stroke berat setelah lewat dari jam 9 malam. Ya Allah, menceritakan ini saja masih sangat membuatku bersedih.

Okt atau Nov 2020, kami bawa suami pulang kampung dg niat berobat dan menjenguk bapak yg sudah sakit2an. Rencana a uhwal hanya 3 bulan, berlanjut jd hingga lebaran, hingga tanpa kejelasan krn keponakan yg biasa membantu kami dilarang kembali ke Bangka. Pandemi covid19 masih melanda, aku pun ragu membawa suami pulang. Namun yg paling kusesali adalah mengapa kami harus terpisah, aku percaya bila dekat bersamaku, dia lebih bahagia. Aku seperti menyia2kan hidupku saat jauh darinya. Waktuku yg luang sementara suamiku sepi tanpa aku sbg teman hiduonya.

Juli 2020, keponakan sakit dan akhirnya meninggal. Suamiku terpukul dan kondisinya kurang terawat krn istri keponakan harus membagi waktu dan tenaga untuk merawat suaminya juga. Pandemi zona hitam disana, namun saat aku vc suami aku sadar harus menemuinya.

12.08.2021, suamiku meninggal tengah malam lewat sedikit. Hanya berjarak sekitar 10 hari dari keponakannya. Covid19, sptnya keponakan yg membawanya. Berjntung aku pulang, hingga kini aku bawa dampak covid19 krn aku ikut kena. Suamiku. Abi. Aku masih terluka. 

Mimpiku yg dahulu pernah kutulis disini sudah lama menunjukkan bahwa abi sudah di jalannya sendiri kini, aku semestinya mengisi hidupku dg hal yg lebih berarti drpd bersedih.  Mendoakannya. Mendoakan diriku sendiri.

Aku harus.

Harus hidup dg berarti.

Namun bercerita singkat begini saja aku masih menangis.

Masih..

Lame

Many people have been struck by covid19. I myself got infected since I was with my hubby in isolation room.

Until now I often feel problem in my breath and am weaker. Sometimes I think I'm not gonna life for more long time.

And I feel so alone.

Hhh.. My writing is lame.

My Life Since 12.08.21

 Or should I put the title: My Life Since 30.11.18

As at that day my husband got very sick. He got severe stroke; not the light ones like before since we married. 

And at the end of 2020, we should be apart as he was transferred to his hometown to get closer to his beloved father who was sick and weaker. It was planned for just about 3 months and he should be home after that. But the covid things and our nephew was not allowed by his mom to be back to my residence (his mom wanted him always near her).

That's what I regret so much as I lost a year with him. I visited like 4 times, stayed about one-two weeks on each visit. But it's not at home. I got an idea to ask the family to bring him back to me no matter what, but then I saw his condition became worst. The climax was when our nephew was struck by covid and passed away. I believe the same covid infected my husband as well.

At 12.08.21 he passed away at the hospital. Only about ten days after his nephew. Although I was with him at the covid isolation room, it's hard for me to realize that my husband would never come back home.

So, I have been like lost right now. Sometimes being at home is fun with all these sweet memories but sometimes it tortures me.

I just miss him so bad. At home. With me.

My life since 12.08.21 is lamenting and other gloomy things. He would hate that. He would hate me for doing what I am doing now.

Dalam Mimpiku Melepasmu, Bi..

Aku di dalam sebuah rumah, entah rumah siapa. Ada keperluan, tp aku santai. Bisa baring-baring, ga hijaban. Tiba-tiba aku tersadar, abi yg mengantarku dan masih menunggu di luar. Hari sudah sore, urusanku bahkan belum jelas apa, apalagi selesainya. Entah kapan.

Abi pasti gelisah karena hari sudah mau maghrib dan beliau biasanya harus bersiap-siap dulu sebelum ke masjid. Dia suka memakai pakaian yang bagus kalo mau sholat berjamaah di masjid. Aku bergegas menghampiri abi yg duduk di bangku dekat pintu samping. 

"Abi pulanglah duluan. Sudah mau maghrib. Ummi masih belum selesai urusannya."

Tetiba kusadari, abi sudah berganti pakaian. Kemeja batik biru panjang dan kain sarung putih kotak-kotaknya. Plus songkok. Tidak menoleh ke arahku, hanya saja sepertinya mendengar ucapanku. Abi nampaknya mmg sudah gelisah menungguku utk menyuruhnya pulang agar dirinya bisa ke masjid. Segera saja bbrp "teman masjid"nya datang menjemputnya untuk pergi bersama-sama ke masjid.

Abi beranjak dan pergi bersama mereka tanpa sepatah kata pun kepadaku. Tidak menoleh lagi.

Dia hanya butuh aku melepaskannya pergi.

Semoga kecintaanmu pada sholat berjamaah di masjid menjadi syafaat untukmu, Bi.

Tinggalkanlah aku. Aku tidak apa-apa. Semoga.

My State

My state right now is like ... --afraid.

I am afraid thinking about burdens of my life, so what I do is to stop thinking about everything.

I am afraid doing unfinished things, so what I do is not to start anything.

Yes, it's like taking antibiotics. You hope to heal someday, but in the process you will make other part of you sick. But hopefully all will be cure in the same time and I have a chance to live again.